i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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