I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
