you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
