So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
