I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
