laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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