ugly people sure do ruin things
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
