You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
