No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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