I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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