Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
NoShamevember. You game?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
