yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
