I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i think i have herpe
just one?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Holy sore nipples Batman
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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