i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
