My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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