Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize