im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
