the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
