Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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