My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
