I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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