What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
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She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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