i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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