apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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