He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
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