Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
