Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
