just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Enjoy the penises
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
