i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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