My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
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Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
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It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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