Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
