Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
