my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
