peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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