yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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