So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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