just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
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You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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