i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Randomize
