Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
