walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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