yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
