he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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