I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You're a waste of cheezeits
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
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