I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
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he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
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Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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