Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
