On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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