omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
