Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
