Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
