How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
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