ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
